Goodbye to 2022

 Goodbyes 

So many goodbyes 

Another one tonight 

I’m clinging to little things 

Hoping they help me through 

Telling myself I won’t break down

I won’t let this spiral 

I will trust that this is for my good 

And for theirs as well 

And that goodbyes 

Can be good 

But I can’t help but asking 

If maybe 2023 

Might be a year of hello’s  

If at all possible 

Hey y'all, I know it's about time for my highlights post, but I just couldn't bring myself to write it. cliff notes: it was epic because my sister got engaged to a fantastic guy, we had a great family Christmas, my mom gave me a new camera (AHHH!!! =D) and I photographed my first wedding. But then my dog, Luke, got sick and died. I've had Luke since I was eleven, and we saw each other through a lot of rough times. He'd been declining for a while, but these last two weeks of it were awful, and I still feel pretty raw. My room feels pretty empty without him. 

So with that, I'm going to take a break from blogging for a while to just rest and recover. Hopefully, it will just be for a month or so, but I don't know how long it will be. 

See you later, and happy new year!

G R E A T F U L

It’s a time for dreams

The time for thankfulness  

And family all together

It’s hard not to think

Of all that’s not here

All the people who couldn’t come

Or who never lived to make it

All the things we wanted to do

And all the things we wanted to say

But today I’m going to be grateful

Because we had them

Even for a fleeting moment

We still have family

We still have friends

I wanted to hold on to those fleeting moments

But at least I had them for a moment

And I’m grateful for every last one of them

And all the new moments that are coming

All the new dreams I get to have

It still hurts to dream

But I’m hoping that today

Marks the sunrise

And a new beginning

Not to a perfect life

But to a grateful one 

L O U D

 

I want it loud 

Like it is in my soul 

Loud to drown out inside 

I want it screaming 

So I don’t have to  

I want it rushing at me 

I want it pounding at me 

When I feel like stopping 

I want loud 

So I don’t have to listen

So He gave me loud 

Music pounding in my ears 

Reminding me of truth 

Loud wind shoving at me 

Cooling me off in the heat 

He gave me loud thoughts 

Demanding to be heard 

And then He gave me quiet 

Where the wind had stopped 

And all the distractions were gone 

And He met me there 

In the quiet, He whispered 

And I was finally ready to listen

L O Y A L T Y

Some thoughts after a sermon a few weeks ago. 

 What if my deepest fear came true?

What if I was truly alone? 

What if the world as I knew it 

Came crashing down around me? 

And what if all my safe spaces were gone?

Would I deny Him then? 

Would I shove God away 

Saying He wasn’t giving me enough 

Would I stand a forgiven sinner 

Saved from the depths of hell 

And complain about an inconvenience? 

Would I stand before the throne of God 

And tell him he wasn’t doing his job? 

So if my greatest fear comes true 

And I truly am all alone 

And I no longer feel safe anywhere 

I want to turn to the God 

That gave it all to me in the first place 

And thank him for the time I did have 

And let him hold me as I cry 

And show me what to do next 

I want to do this every day 

He showed me amazing grace 

The least I can do is give him 

Undivided loyalty

LETHA

As a kid I never had a grandmother 

That took me on her knee 

And told me how much she loved me 

But I had Letha 

I didn’t have grandparents 

Who asked about my school 

Who encouraged me in my interests 

And listened to my ramblings 

But I had Letha 

I didn't have grandmothers 

Pestering me to get a boyfriend 

Or reminding me of fun stories 

And things that happened when I was a kid 

But I had Letha 

I didn’t have grandparents 

Who wanted me to come and spend the day 

Or who came to all our parties 

And who reminded me that this earth is fleeting 

But I had Letha 

And she was enough  

She was the best

To the best adopted grandmother who ever lived, Letha Cast who went home to be with Jesus on August 20'th, 2022. 

I know you desperately wanted to be home with Jesus, but I sure am going to miss you down here. I’m so glad I got to talk to you one last time.

P E A C E

I found a place 

Where peace resides 

Where mornings come with bible 

And runs come with conversation 

Where church is a community 

And I can read before bed 

There are late nights in the pool 

Hot evenings on my bike 

There are letters from friends 

And texts every day 

There are pets sitting in my room 

And audio books on my phone 

There’s a new comfy quilt

And criss-cross socks 

It's a pink casset player 

And old cassets to go in it 

It's a play with beautiful sunset 

Where dragonflys don't fly away 

And deer stay in the backyard

Maybe those things aren’t peace 

But together they are

I never thought of peace like this 

But now it's here 

I want to hold onto it forever 

W O R D S

Words 

Aren’t helping anymore 

Words 

Aren’t helping to describe 

Or to empty the ache anymore 

Words 

Aren’t filling me up 

And helping me heal 

But it’s little things 

That words don’t seem to describe 

Like when a bird 

Sits outside my window 

Or a kid 

Smiling up at my 

Sometimes the moments 

Feel like heartbreak 

Like seeing a photo 

Of a long time ago 

Or sending a text 

And getting no answer 

The healing and the hurting 

Are all mixed up now 

But maybe they are the same 

And I’ll know it later 

So for now I’m looking out 

For all those little things 

That words can’t describe 

Until I have words 

For all I want to say 

I have recently started keeping a gratitude journal and it has been the funniest thing to search throughout the day for all the good things. I highly recommend it. <3

L O N G

Life is full of goodbyes 

That I never wanted to say 

People I wanted to hold on to 

Things I wanted to do 

All gone 

Without agreeing to it 

I had memories I wanted to build 

Things I wanted to share

People I wanted to meet 

But all too soon 

It was time to say goodbye 

As they went away to eternity

And it seems to me 

That life is very long 

When you have to say 

So many goodbyes

Life's been a mixed bag lately, but I have been so grateful for my epic friends and family. Drop me a comment with your favorite song right now. I could use some new material. 

Darkness and the Dawn

I wanted to write something to capture the feeling of this holiday, I couldn't write anything I really loved, but this is what I did come up with. 

Passover is a time of joy 

Of bringing together family 

Of celebrating freedom 

And all God has done 

It’s looking back at the slavery 

And rejoicing in the cross 

It’s somber tugs of sorrow 

Of all the pain endured 

It’s a time of reflection 

And moving on 

It’s a time to say thank you 

But Friday is the dusk 

And the darkness only lasts the night 

Sunday is coming 

And with it comes the joy 

The time of new birth 

Or celebrating His coming again 

It’s rejoicing in His light 

And His glory 

And just feeling His presence 

It’s the joy of knowing 

He is with us 

It’s celebrating the morning coming 

After a long and dark night 

We lived in darkness 

Hiding in fear long enough

It’s time to join the others and celebrate 

He is Risen!

(If you noticed the lack of March Highlights, they will be coming, rolled in with my April ones. I was unable to post due to my computer being broken, but my awesome brother fixed it, so there (hopefully) should be no more delays!) 

Happy Ressurection weekend!!

Winter is Leaving

The nights grow shorter 

Sunshine warms my skin 

The sky seems bluer 

Winter is leaving 

Trees swell with leaves 

Flowers blanket the ground 

Warm breezes begin 

Winter is leaving 

The grass turns green again 

It’s the time for little things be born 

New life is everywhere 

Winter is leaving 

Spring is coming 

The days are longer 

Dandelions begin to spring up 

My heart seems to warm with the air 

Winter is leaving 

Spring is coming

It’s the time of new begingings 

And of hope 

And of trusting in God’s plan 

Winter is leaving 

Spring is coming 

Sweet flowers fill the air 

Sunshine warms my skin 

Moonlight fills the crisp nights 

Spring is coming 

I feel it deep in my soul 

I’m ready for new life 

I’m ready for new growth 

Spring is here 

And I’m finally ready

Twenty-twenty-two

 I never thought 

It would feel like this 

Like hope and pain 

Mixed up together 

Like waiting and living 

And seizing the moment 

I never thought 

It would feel like giving up 

Or like moving on 

I never thought 

It would feel like absence 

And loneliness

I never thought

It would feel like victory 

Or trying new things

I never thought 

It would be shared pain 

And shared laughter 

That started this year 

I never thought

It would be a movie on repeat 

Or deleting apps at 12AM 

I never thought it 

Would be like a new beginning 

And saying goodbye 

All wrapped up 

In the first two months 

Of twenty-twenty-two  

A W E A R Y W O R L D

A weary world

I feel that today 

A world on my shoulders 

No way to escape 

Pressed down by the weight 

A weary world 

Trying to do what is best 

Trying to stay safe

Hoping to see loved ones 

A weary world 

Crying over little things 

Trying to fit in sleep 

Wishing for one day of peace 

A weary world 

Not ready to move on 

So much pressure from outside 

So many people asking for money 

Barely pulling by as it is 

A weary world 

We have nothing left to give 

Our funds out drained 

Our energy is depleted 

We have no time left 

But we can inhale 

And do the one thing that doesn’t cost 

It doesn’t demand 

It fills us and gives us peace 

It gives us hope 

It reminds us who is holding us 

And who holds tomorrow 

So we inhale 

And a weary world rejoices 

Because God is with us

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you can find something to rejoice in today, no matter how small. <3 

R E J O I C I N G

 We have had a time to mourn 

A time to weep 

A time to be sad over all we’ve lost 

We’ve had a time to search 

And a time to turn away 

We’ve had our days of sorrow 

And our days of doubt 

But a new day is dawning 

And it’s time to move on 

It’s time to mend 

It’s time to embrace 

It’s time to choose peace 

And to look for healing 

It’s time to move on 

And let go 

And start waking up each day 

Rejoicing 

`

W O R D S

I want words 

To wrap around these feelings 

I want peace

From all the crashing emotions

I want to be able to tell you

Why the words are so hard right now

But I can’t

All I can say is I’m here

And everything around me is changing

So I’m just hanging on

And watching it all come

Holding on to God

Since He never changes

I can’t find words to say

What I want to say to you

I can’t even find

Words for myself

So I’m going to go find them

Until then I can’t talk anymore

I can’t write anymore

I need to say goodbye

But I’ll be back soon

I'll be back in a month, or maybe two. I desperately need some time to just adjust to a massive amount of changes happening in my life, most of them very good. But I'll be back, and I'll catch you up when I do. Goodbye for now! 

W A L L S

 I had to say no 

Over and over 

I had to take the same action 

Over and over

I’m getting tired 

Of making no progress 

I’m getting tired 

Of trying so hard

And getting nowhere 

  I’ve taken away the problem 

But I know that won’t fix it 

Sooner or later 

I have to face it 

With fists up and jaw set 

I need to conquer this 

But it won’t just go down 

It keeps coming back up 

So I’m going to fight 

And build walls 

To keep myself 

From going there 

And I’ll try again

L E T T I N G G O

 I never thought something I prayed for

Something I longed for daily

Could hurt this bad

That a relationship beginning to rebuild

Would feel like ripping open my heart

I didn’t know forgiveness

Could feel so much like trust

It’s funny how so often

What I pray for

And what I need

Are the most painful things to endure

And the things I think are grounding me

Are really just helping me be self-dependent

Instead of Christ dependent

It seems that this is a year of letting go

And of new beginnings

Of learning to be okay

When it doesn’t feel okay

Of learning to let go

And to trust The Solid Rock 

S A B O T A G E

 Today I feel ill-equipped 

To talk about 

What I care about 

I say I care about God 

But I haven’t been investing 

I say I’ve been praying for people 

But I know the prayers are far between 

I say I want to put others first 

But I know I’ve been putting myself first 

I say I want to improve 

But then I self-sabotage 

I say I’m going to try harder 

Then I give up 

I feel ill equipped to talk to God

And ask for anything

I feel at a loss for words

When I have failed this much

But maybe today 

I’ll just sit and listen 

And stop trying to talk 

Because maybe what I need right now 

Is not to talk to God 

But to listen to Him 

A L W A Y S

 Dark shadows in the corner

Jumping out at me

Making me feel ten again

But I hear a still small voice

I am with you always

Loneliness creeping in

Telling me I have no friends

Whispering lies in my ears

But there comes a friend

I am with you always

Anger bubbles up

Saying I have to take control

I have to make them listen

But then a voice stills me

I am with you always

I open up the tab again

Just wanting to waste mindless time

To not have to think

But there are so many better things

I am with you always

I’m tired and done with work

Ready to just give up 

To stop all this madness

But I’m not in it alone

I am with you always

To the very end of the age

And that makes all the difference

In the world.

B R E A T H E

 Hyperventilate 

Breathing to much 

That’s not what I feel 

I feel like I’m not breathing enough 

But then it comes 

 And I feel dizzy as I realize 

I’m breathing too much 

Maybe that’s the point 

I’m trying to take in too much 

To breathe too much 

Instead of just taking one 

After another 

I’m trying to take them all at once

 I need to breathe now 

But just for now 

Not for later 

I can’t store up oxygen for later 

Or prep 

All I can do is wait 

And breathe 

And try to live now 

Not all at once 

Just as a note for all worried readers: No, I did not literally hyperventilate.

I N B E T W E E N

The top and the bottom 

Feel a lot alike 

Just with opposite problems. 

Family still pulls together 

And friends surround you 

Some days drag 

And others fly by 

I don’t understand 

How the top and bottom feel the same 

But like fire and ice 

They just seem to go together 

When I’m at my worst 

I think about my best 

And at my best 

I think about my worst

And somehow I just realize 

I should have been more grateful 

For the days in-between 

The “boring” days

The days where life just went on 

Sometimes I miss those 

But I am so grateful 

For all the highs and lows 

And especially 

The days inbetween