S H O U T

Why?

I shout the word in a small room

Screaming it loud in my head

Feeling the weight of it

Reverberating in my soul

You could have stopped it.

I accused, glaring at the thin red paint

Feeling the truth of it

Bringing tears to my eyes

Didn’t you care?

This time it’s softer

My head pressed against the wall

With tears trickling down my face

The cold dampness going deeper then my skin

I know you had a purpose.

The pain of that statement stings

And I ball my fists at my sides 

Because even in it’s truth

It hurts

Please help me understand.

I press my eyes closed

Beginning to feel a modicum of peace

Because even if I don’t understand it all

I still understand His goodness

I’m sorry

I pull in a breath of cool air

And feel the pain continuing to throb

But I know He cares

And He’s okay with my pain

I love you

A shudder runs up my spine

I feel the truth of His love to

And His patience with me

And slowly

I feel okay again

Lyrics from Symphony Album

I don't normally do things like this where I just share a few lyrics from an album, but Symphony is one of my favorites, and I wanted to share it with y'all. I just did a few lyrics from each song. Here's a link to Symphony on Amazon. It is worth listening to!

Wild 

Like a crash of thunder

Like a river tearing toward the sea

Your love is spilling over

Flooding every desert part of me

And it feels like I'm coming alive

Jump 

Caught up in my feelings

Spent so much time tryna play it safe

But the safety's just an illusion

When I'm called to be fearless

So here I come, I want to follow

Where You're leading me

Time to let go, it's sink or swim now

So I, so I Jump

Higher and Higher 

We cannot be silent

We will not keep quiet

Hear our voices rising higher and higher

Death has been defeated

Jesus, You have risen

We will lift our praises higher and higher

Symphony 

Sometimes it's hard to breathe

All these thoughts they shout at me

Try to bring me to my knees

And it's overwhelming

Darkness echos all around

Feels like everything is crashing down

Still I know where my hope is found

And it's only You

Ooooh

You say You're working

Everything for my good, and

Ooooh

I believe every word

'Cause even in the madness

There is peace

Drowning out the voices all around me

Through all of this chaos

You are writing a symphony

Overflow 

When fear tries to hold me

And my confidence worn

I remember the battle You've already won

Cause the cross couldn't break You

And the grave lost the war

You have given me hope that cannot be undone

Can't stop this feeling

Your love has got me singing

Close 

Your love is not distracted by my shame

You're near to me, You understand my pain

And when my burdens bring me to my knees

You are always there to carry me

I've failed under pressure

Despite all my efforts

But Your love keeps no record

You won't leave, You'll never walk away

Love won't fail, it never loses faith

Even when I feel like I'm losing control

You will hold me close

Heartbeat 

You're running through my veins

Flowing through every part

Completely changing me

With every beat of Your heart

Your blood poured out for mine

My blood was redefined

I'm found in Your heartbeat

Lifeline 

When I'm drowning

Oceans raging all around me

Through the thunder and the waves 

You're constant

You're my lifeline in the storm

You'll never leave me

It doesn't matter what I'm facing

Noo

And when I'm failing

You're holding on to me

And I'm holding on to You

Obsession 

I refuse to obsess over status

I refuse to obsess over fame

You are enough for me

When the world is shouting

You are peace around me

You have seen me and You call me as Your own

Nothing else can silence

What You speak with purpose

There is nothing that defines me but Your love

In the end, what they think doesn't matter

I refuse to be bound to their standards

This album has helped me through some really tough times, and it always encourages me and points me back to God. I hope you enjoyed reading some of the lyrics and maybe listening to the songs! 

C H A N G E S

Twenty-one years 

And nothing changed 

Or so it seemed 

Or maybe everything changed 

I don’t know anymore 

Some of these changes 

Have been coming on so slowly 

That they startled me when 

They finally got here 

Standing in this moment 

I can see so many of the events 

That brought us here 

So many mistakes I made 

Choices I wish I’d made 

Things I wouldn’t change 

And I see how it drove me

To this defining moment 

And I wonder 

What changes are happening now 

That I won’t see coming 

In twenty more years 

March Highlights

Honestly the best thing about this whole month was my friend Micaiah coming!!! The morning she came I had to go to work, and my boss agreed to let me stay after so I would be close to the airport. The girls I watch were so excited because they got to show me Soul. I was not impressed. XD But then I got to go get Micaiah!! We hadn't been able to meet up since 2017, so it was a very happy reunion. Her trip was packed, and amazing. We met with another writer who lives in the area, Hannah Wright. We saw the Silos, and stayed overnight at the beach, went to San Antonio and saw the Missions. We watched a lot of fun movies, spent an insain amount of time in the car, and just talked. <3 I haven't had this much fun with a friend in a long time. 

The library opened again!! It had been open last year, but closed down with the surge in November. It's open again with a lot of restrictions, but I am so happy to be able to walk around the library again. 

We did a scavenger hunt at our zoo! You had to do a lot of wackey things you had to do, but it was fun. We ended up ranking number one of the hunt because we did the "Sally's Sea Shell's" tunge twister perfectly five times and earned a lot of bonus points. =) 

One of the family's my sister and I work for is moving and we got to go to the new house! They'll be renovanting it, so look out for a lot of mentions of being over there helping. XD

I went into work today, only to discover that the family was on vacation. XP So I grabbed myself a drink at Starbucks, and enjoyed my week off. I had been rather stressed about all the work I needed to do, so it was a very nice break from that. I did some writing, weeding, and a ton of cleaning. 

I didn't really do a lot noteworthy this month other then hang with Micaiah. I went to work, I tried to write, and did a lot of weeding. When work is crazy and I'm trying to get away from overthinking words, or the every mounting mess in my room, I like to go out and weed in my mom's little "special spot" out in the front of the house. We have a little barn cat who loves sitting out there, and she likes to follow me around as I work. <3

My favorite new read was Dreams of Savannah by Roseanna White. It was an amazing look at the Cival war. My favorite re-read was Riddle of Ages by Trenton Stwart. My least favorite book was the Star Trek novel - it was very forgettable. 

Inside out: 

This was a re-watch for me (at least my fifth time). It's a sweet, funny, and while not super consistent, it's got some great moments.

Mission Impossible: 

I love mission impossible. My sisters and I re-watched a couple episodes of season five, which is the best season. 

Beauty and the Beast: 

I hadn't seen the old animation since we saw it on VHS probably ten years ago. I didn't enjoy it as much as the play, but it's still an epic movie.

Last Chance Detectives: 

This movie is just about the best. Christian kids, good story, epic dog. It was just fantastic. 

Lego Friends: 

I picked this up at the library because some of the kids I watch love lego friends. It was decently cute, but nothing to fantasic. Cute at best, forgettable at worst. 

Star trek: 

My sister and I are on season six of Stt Trek voyager. It isn't my favorite because we have to skip a lot of episodes. 

Prince Caspian: 

Micaiah and I re-watched this. It is my favorite Narnia film. It makes me want to cry every time. <3

Teen Beach Movie: 

This movie is adorable. I don't love some of the feminist messages they pushed, but Brady was fantastic. 

Lemonade Mouth: 

Micaiah showed me this. It was adorable. The music was great, and I loved the characters. It didn't have super relatable themes, but it was fun.

Soul: 

I have a lot of mixed thoughts about this one. I did love the message about enjoying the little things, but other then that the point was... very unclear to me. 22 is contrary, and doesn't want to live... because. Just because. This movie had some cute points, but I just did not understand the hype. 

Girl Meets World: 

Micaiah showed me a few episodes. Disney shows are just not my favorite. I'm not a big fan of how cheesy they are, or choppy. 

Newsies: 

Micaiah gave this to me awhile back, so it was great to finally watch it together. I don't love Jack's propensity to lie, but David is the best.

A Foggy Beach A Farm Girl's Life 

Warm Weather at Last Ellen's Musings 

Tour of My Mug Collection Hailey Hudson

Destiny and the Masters Hand The Destiny of One 

I had a blast this month. Hanging with Micaiah was amazing!! How was your month?

E M P T Y

This year I feel empty 

Like there’s nothing left to give 

I came to this holiday 

Hoping to be full of happiness 

To be excited as it came 

Instead I came tired 

Drained by daily troubles 

Using bad coping mechanisms 

Trying to just hold on 

I don’t have anything to give this year 

I’m empty 

And I’m tired 

But Easter was a day 

All those years ago 

When God gave us back what we’d lost 

He restored the broken pieces 

He bound the wounds 

And His disciples

Well, they were broken going in to 

Crushed by the weight of his death 

So maybe this year 

I’m feeling more like the disciples 

Then ever before 

And maybe this year 

When Sunday comes 

And we’re reminded He’s alive 

I’ll feel the joy they felt 

In knowing He won

 And the days in between 

Were not spent in vain

Even if I feel empty now 

His grave is empty 

He won over death 

And now He lives in me 

So I can live full

I hope y'all have a great Ester!