I Am Really Good at Hiding

When I was five, one of my family members hurt my feelings. I have no idea what it was about, but I went into my closet and crawled behind all the clothes. They came in and tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't talk to them.

I was really good at hiding even then.

When I was sixteen, I learned that books were a really good place to hide too. I had a really hard month, and I learned that in books I could hide. I could get away from everything.

Today, I don't hide in my closet so much as my room. And I still use books, but a lot of times they are just ones I'm writing in my brain.

I use these things to hide from things every day. I have gotten to be really good at hiding. I hide from conversations I don't want to have. Things I don't want to hear. Emotions I don't want to feel. My conscious yelling in my ear.

The problem with hiding is that it feels very right when I'm doing it. Until recently, I had never really stopped to consider how much hiding hurt me and the people around me. The biggest problem is the way it interferes with my relationships. I have taught myself to hide from everything so much that I now have to fight to stay in the open.

This gets in the way of how I interact with people, God, and my work. It hurts people when I run. It hurts my relationships, and it hurts me.

Hiding seems to innocent until I really stop to investigate it. I never want to have people tell me I just run away from things, hiding in my own little world until I think it's "safe."

I was reading in Act's this week about the apostles, and how some of them were preaching in a city, and were mocked, and persecuted, but they just stayed. They kept doing what they were supposed to do. 

That's what I want to be. And I know I'll never get there without God's help. God never told anyone to hide from hurt. He just providing shelter inside the storm.

By hiding, I am basically telling God that I don't think His shelter is enough.

I don't know about you, but that's really not how I want to be acting every day. Staying is hard, but so are dealing with the consequences of my problems.

I don't want to hide anymore. I'm tired of running away from my problems and from lessons, God is trying to teach me into the storm.

What about you?